Dungeons & Dragons & Anxiety

I’m just going to post the video transcript for this one since it was born of a YouTube comment and because I think it still holds together as a blog post in this format. Video embedded at the end if you prefer to watch:

I got into a conversation with one of you fine folks in the comments section, and it was clear that they were smart and creative and had a love of the game so I was encouraging them to try their hand as Dungeon Master. I encourage everyone to DM, it's kind of my thing. It's half the reason this channel exists. So I asked this person what was holding them back. I don't know what I was expecting exactly, maybe something I could address in one of these 5 minute DM tips I've been making, but what I got back was so honest and so... resonant with my own experiences that I had to really take my time responding and make a longer video on it. This is going to be more than 5 minutes and there will still be plenty left unsaid.

First off I want to thank Sköll for sharing in the comments so openly, and for giving me permission to let me use their words here:

“I think the only think holding me back is anxiety. I was so engaged when I started because I had such a good DM, so I hold myself up to those standards. I don't want to put myself in a position to engage players unless I know it's going to be the best game they've ever played. Or at least I'm confident that it will be. Yes, I can interpret dice and improvise, but to me, those are just he fundamentals. I need to know I can create an engaging atmosphere and thoroughly role play every character form every possible encounter those players might have, or else it'll be a failure in the long run.”

Man, this comment really spoke to me and I can really relate to it as a DM in DnD, but also just as a human being in the universe. “The only thing holding me back is anxiety.” That has often been true in my life, so true so often in fact that I actually had to do some work to see it. It was just the water I swam in. If you haven't heard the David Foster Wallace speech This is Water I highly recommend it. I meant to bring Infinite Jest into the frame but it's right up there.

Acknowledging that I'm just some guy on the internet who doesn't know jack about squat, I do have some experience with anxiety. Hell, I have more experience struggling with anxiety than running Dungeons and Dragons, and I made a YouTube channel about that. I see anxiety in the comment and I can see anxiety's little helper: perfectionism, it's always easy to see when it's outside of myself, right, always easier when it's not in us. I used to think perfectionism meant never finishing something because you kept working at it forever in an attempt to achieve some impossible ideal. But I have learned that perfectionism more often manifests as never starting in the first place. “I am not going to attempt this thing that I want because I won't be perfect at it the very first time I try.” It sounds silly but I've definitely operated under that kind of thinking before. But it doesn't take a lot of reflection to realize that if we had applied this approach to everything in life we would have never done anything. It's easy to understand this intellectually but if you want to feel it emotionally imagine applying this thinking to a child learning to read or ride a bike, or a toddler taking their first steps. What would you say to them if they were talking like that? But now we're grown up and now we are way too hard on ourselves.

Sköll needs to be confident it will be THE BEST game the players have ever played! They need to be great in every circumstance and every possibility or it will be a failure. Thank you for writing it out so plainly. This is why I like journaling so much, you get the ideas out of your head and onto a page and treat them as if they weren't you. Because Sköll might not have seen the inherent contradictions when the wrote this, I don't know, maybe they did, but if their friend said this to them I think it would be crystal clear. “I want my first attempt to be the best ever, or it will be a failure and not worth doing.” What would you say to your friend, or that kid just learning how to do something if they were expressing these thoughts?

First of all, if they succeeded at making the first time the best time they'd have nowhere to go but down, right? But secondly, it is way more reasonable to expect the first time to be the worst time because you have never done it before. That sounds harsh to say but think of it this way, with pretty much every session you are going to get better because you are going to practice and gain experience. It's an RPG, you're going to level up. I said it in the last video: there is a certain level in a lot of learning where you've gained all the core competencies, you can interpret the dice, the fundamentals, and you begin to only understand the next level stuff mostly by making mistakes and cleaning up the mess. This has been true for me in DnD, but also in my real life, professional life, my personal life, this channel.

Let's take the magnifying glass off of Sköll, who was very kind to give me permission to share their words here, thanks again, go check out their stuff, link in the description, show them some love. I'll offer myself up as tribute now.

When I started the Verdigris Table, which was just now in the grand scheme of things, I knew I was going to have to deal with my anxiety. In fact I treated that as a benefit, as one of my goals. I was going to take the time to confront these issues and learn to better work with them. And man, I was right, I am giving myself a real opportunity to confront my issues. Those first weeks getting started filled me with so much anxiety that I thought I needed to find a cardiologist because my heart was doing these weird, scary things when I finally relaxed a little at the end of the day. It actually took me a little bit to figure out, OK, this is all the bottled up anxiety coming out.

Because you want to confront your anxiety and perfectionism, you unreasonably high standards for yourself? Spend hours alone in a little room recording yourself and hours and hours and hours watching, judging and editing that footage. My bald head is shiny, my mustache is stupid, I say too many filler words, they're all going to laugh at me, or worse no one is ever going to watch, all of these internal criticisms ultimately boiling down to: I am not good enough.

I think there are a lot of us walking around feeling like we are not good enough. It could be a symptom of today's superficial culture, celebrity and social media bullshit, or late stage capitalism and the world dying around us, or maybe because when we were kids they told us we were special and now we're terrified to prove that we're just like everybody else. Whatever unmet need, wherever it comes from, I don't think I'm alone in this.

To start this channel, to chase this dream, I had to convince myself that I was good enough. Not the best, not perfect, simply good enough. And I needed to convince myself not by hearing it in the comments, or seeing it in the metrics, or through some other external thing, though that is all nice and I'm not going to pretend I'm not chasing those things, but I needed to believe it internally. So I began to practice giving myself that message, I began to learn by doing. And it is very much a work in progress.

And that is how I approach the channel. It is a practice, it is a work in progress. If I waited until I was confident that my first video was my best video, which was a real temptation, I'd never have started. I'd have never hit record, never published, and I wouldn't be here. I started putting up videos because I knew one day they would be evidence of how much I had progressed from when I started. Now, I hoped to be way better when I looked back like this, it's been less than two months, I'm still in training as far as I'm concerned and I have a long way to go before I'm close to where I want to be. In production value, in my delivery, in my content. I've got big plans for this channel and the Verdigris Table beyond YouTube, the website should be worth visiting by the time this video goes up, and there are some things in the works to go up there that I am very excited about. It feels way too early to be reflecting like this but I think some of you out there needed this video.

I started this channel to share my love of Dungeons and Dragons and to give back to this wonderful community, hoping to help other people get into the game and get better at it, get more fun and enjoyment out of it. I figured if I could get one person playing DnD, or get back into it, or even just get a player to think about running a game, then this would all be a success. No pressure Sköll, but here we are after only a few weeks and already having these conversations, when I thought it would take way longer or honestly in my anxious mind probably never happen at all.

Again, I'm just getting started, but here we are at these very early stages and I am already achieving a level of success that I thought maybe unobtainable because I gave myself permission to be imperfect and start messy. Don't compare your beginning to someone else's middle. Don't let anxiety convince you that you are not good enough before you give yourself the chance to improve and grow. Do the Thing! Whatever it is. Make your art, run your game, build your world, start the adventure. Learn by doing and level up. Start where you are. Because you are good enough.

I say it every video and I mean it, be kind to yourself. Judging ourselves way too harshly, not even giving ourselves the chance to get started, holding ourselves to a crazy high standard, we wouldn't do this to the people around us, so let's not do it to ourselves. You can't give others what you don't have yourself, so give yourself some kindness. Like everything else, it will get easier with practice.

Sorry if you expected a video about making goblins more interesting or something, promise I'll get back to that next time. If you're still with me thanks for watching, I sincerely hope this video helped a little. To Sköll and everybody else out there on the fence about taking a worthy risk: Get out there, have fun, be kind to yourself, be kind to each other, and I'll see you next time.